3 hours ago Just now
Catrin Nye, Jamie Bartlett, Kavita Puriand Ruth Mayer,BBC News Investigations and BBC Wales
BBC
Ruth says she continues to endure flashbacks
Warning: This communicative contains details of intersexual acts
When Ruth O'Grady reluctantly joined a swinging website, having been persuaded by her husband, she says, she told him she would ne'er person enactment successful a car with a stranger.
However, wrong months she was doing precisely that, and filming it to nonstop to him.
She says she had enactment with strangers much than 100 times done the website, implicit an 18-month period.
Ruth says she is traumatised and continues to endure flashbacks.
She archetypal approached america 3 years agone and now, aft cautious consideration, has decided to archer her communicative utilizing her afloat name. She wants it to beryllium a informing to different women.
She feels choler towards her erstwhile husband, Chris, but she besides blames the UK's biggest swinging website. It gave him entree to hundreds of men, she says, who helium could inquire to person enactment with her.
The BBC has approached Ruth's ex-husband with these allegations but helium did not respond to them.
Swinging typically involves couples gathering up and exchanging partners, but it tin besides impact conscionable 1 fractional of the mates having the intersexual encounters.
For 8 months, prompted by Ruth's story, the BBC has been investigating the UK's swinging scene. Some radical told america they instrumentality portion due to the fact that they genuinely privation to, but we recovered this is not ever the case.
Ruth says a website called Fabswingers "facilitated the abuse" she experienced.
The site, which has much leafage views than immoderate different swinging website, and claims to person 600,000 progressive monthly members, told america consent was the instauration of swinging.
Separately, constabulary forces crossed the UK person told america the tract has been mentioned successful hundreds of caller transgression reports.
Ruth besides says that, portion her communicative is not the aforesaid arsenic that of French woman, Gisèle Pelicot - who insisted connected a nationalist proceedings of the men accused of raping her - the consequent absorption to the Pelicot lawsuit has encouraged her to talk out.
"Everyone was truthful shocked," she says. "I wasn't shocked astatine all."
From erstwhile they met successful northbound Wales successful 2008, Chris had often raised the thought of Ruth having enactment with different men - but she resisted, she says.
Then, successful 2021, aft Ruth suffered a intelligence wellness crisis, helium became her named carer. She was made to consciousness guilty, she says, that beingness had not turned retired arsenic they had planned.
Her hubby brought up swinging again and eventually, Ruth says, she gave successful and agreed.
"I cognize that tin dependable perfectly barmy to idiosyncratic conscionable proceeding the story, but remember, this isn't overnight. Imagine being with idiosyncratic for 12 years and them conscionable convincing you of something."
The brace joined FabSwingers and Ruth says she expected they mightiness conscionable different couples. Instead, she says, the statement rapidly became thing different.
Ruth was having enactment with men from the tract portion Chris watched, waited nearby, oregon sometimes was not adjacent there.
The meetings happened astatine their home, oregon extracurricular successful cars, lay-bys oregon car parks. If she went alone, she says, she was expected to movie what happened and nonstop it to her husband.
Within months, she was having enactment with aggregate men a week, Ruth says, sometimes arsenic galore arsenic 4 successful a day.
She did put immoderate of the meetings herself, she says, and would look enthusiastic astir swinging, but she present says this was thing she ne'er genuinely wanted to do.
She regularly told her hubby she wanted to stop, she says - telling him connected aggregate occasions that she had been frightened and traumatised by the sex.
There would sometimes beryllium a pause, she says, earlier helium arranged much meetings, which Ruth went on with.
"Some men wouldn't look maine successful the eye, and immoderate men wouldn't speech to maine astatine all. It's like... I didn't exist," says Ruth
Ruth says the encounters took an horrific toll. She contracted sexually transmitted infections, she got pregnant, and portion recovering from an termination she says Chris arranged for idiosyncratic to person oral enactment with her.
"I realised [Chris] truly doesn't attraction astir my assemblage oregon the symptom I was going through," Ruth says.
"All these men are abusing my assemblage to the constituent wherever it's getting infected, getting unwell, and present this termination is happening, and yet I'm inactive having to conscionable these men."
At times, Ruth says it was easier and safer to look enthusiastic and execute the relation expected of her than to defy it - and to get the brushwood implicit with arsenic rapidly arsenic possible.
"Some men wouldn't look maine successful the eye, and immoderate men wouldn't speech to maine astatine all. It's like... I didn't exist."
Looking back, does she see immoderate of the enactment to person been genuinely consensual?
"No," she says. "I didn't privation to beryllium there. I didn't privation to beryllium connected [the website] successful the archetypal place."
Chris was investigated by the constabulary nether coercive power and different laws aft Ruth made a report, but nary charges followed.
Police pointed to instances successful the couple's WhatsApp messages wherever Ruth had appeared enthusiastic astir swinging.
Ruth's communicative raises a cardinal question: however and wherefore tin radical look to agree, adjacent enthusiastically, to enactment they bash not want?
Consent tin beryllium complicated, an adept tells us.
"It's rather imaginable for radical to look to consent to enactment they don't want," says Prof Nicola Gavey, from the University of Auckland, who has researched unwanted enactment since the 1980s.
Gavey says she has heard akin accounts to Ruth's from different women.
"It tin instrumentality radical clip to recognize what was happening to them," she says.
'I should person walked away'
We recovered a antheral who uses FabSwingers who agreed to talk to us.
Martin, not his existent name, has ne'er met Ruth. He says helium has utilized the tract for years and has had enactment with astir 50 radical done it, mostly joined women whose husbands wanted to watch.
He tries to guarantee the women helium meets are blessed and consenting, helium says, but adds determination person been times when, erstwhile helium has entered a country for a meet, thing has felt wrong.
More than fractional the women from couples helium has met did not privation to instrumentality part, helium believes.
On 1 occasion, helium says, helium saw fearfulness successful a woman's eyes erstwhile she told him her hubby was astir to travel successful and film.
"I should person walked away," helium says, crying. "I should person reported it consecutive away."
In different encounter, helium says, a pistillate appeared to person been "badgered into it". Her hubby and different antheral were encouraging him to continue, helium says.
We inquire him straight whether, successful that moment, helium felt similar helium had been raping someone.
Martin says helium believed the pistillate had been afloat consenting up until that point.
Responding to our findings, the website FabSwingers told america that immoderate proposition that anterior online treatment removes the request for in-person consent astatine the constituent of an encounter, is not a presumption the level endorses, encourages oregon tolerates.
FabSwingers says reports of non-consensual enactment are treated arsenic a precedence risk
The BBC submitted Freedom of Information requests to each 45 constabulary forces successful the UK, asking for transgression reports since the opening of 2023 successful which FabSwingers had been mentioned.
By the extremity of April 2026, 39 forces had responded - though the Metropolitan Police, the country's largest force, had not.
Their replies identified 329 reports mentioning the site, including allegations of rape, different superior intersexual offences, controlling and coercive behaviour, harassment, blackmail, stalking, battle and possession of utmost pornography.
The forces that responded besides recorded 26 radical arsenic having been charged oregon summonsed successful cases wherever FabSwingers had been mentioned, with 23 cases ongoing.
The figures for FabSwingers bash not mean the tract was liable for what was alleged, and successful immoderate cases it whitethorn lone person been mentioned successful the inheritance to a report. However, they amusement the level has appeared repeatedly successful constabulary records connected to superior alleged crimes.
The BBC did not petition accusation astir immoderate of the UK's different swinging websites.
FabSwingers says reports of non-consensual enactment are treated arsenic a precedence hazard and, wherever it is made alert of them, it acts and co-operates with constabulary if requested.
Ruth is amazed by this response.
She says she reported to FabSwingers banned behaviour by men she had met connected the site, including threats made to her of unit oregon rape, and nary enactment was taken.
Solicitor, Rachel Horman-Brown believes swinging tin beryllium exploited by abusive partners
Rachel Horman-Brown, a solicitor and honorary KC who specialises successful home abuse, says Ruth's acquisition does not daze her.
"There person been dozens and dozens of times implicit the years that I've heard women kick that they've been pressured into swinging," she says.
Horman-Brown believes swinging tin beryllium exploited by abusive partners because, erstwhile idiosyncratic has participated, it tin make heavy shame, leaving women little apt to talk out.
Swinging tin besides often impact the taking of explicit photos and videos, which tin beryllium precise compromising. Horman Brown describes it arsenic imaginable "ammo" successful a relationship.
Groups supporting survivors accidental akin patterns are reflected successful accounts they hear.
At Refuge, the home maltreatment charity, Charlotte Eastop oversees the nationalist home maltreatment helpline and says they perceive from women who accidental they person been pressured into swinging.
Many women are not adjacent definite whether what they are experiencing is abuse, she says, and are not definite however to picture it. "Hopefully Ruth speaking retired volition person an interaction connected idiosyncratic else."
It was portion watching an occurrence of dystopian TV bid Black Mirror that was afloat of "sexual degradation and humiliation", that thing clicked for Ruth. Chris had recovered the occurrence comic and "I realised - that's what you deliberation astir me".
After much than 18 months connected FabSwingers, Ruth told him she was quitting the site. But helium kept asking her to conscionable different men again oregon to effort different intersexual arrangements.
With extracurricular enactment Ruth made plans to permission her husband. She moved documents, apparel and wealth retired of the location small by small and a harmless spot to enactment was arranged.
She yet near successful 2023, and has not seen oregon spoken to him since.
But Ruth says she is inactive profoundly affected and highly tense present astir men. Even taking a ablution tin trigger memories of preparing for FabSwingers meet-ups.
Why is she telling her communicative truthful publicly?
Ruth says adjacent if 1 pistillate identifies with her, and realises she is doing things she does not privation to do, it would beryllium enough.
If you would similar to interaction BBC Journalist Catrin Nye astir this communicative you tin email her straight connected catrin.nye@bbc.co.uk
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